The Secret Within: Chapter 5, Transcending Pain

The Secret Within is a book I’m writing about the art of finding happiness and peace amidst personal difficulties. 

This week’s installment is part two of The Anatomy of Pain, covered last week and found here.

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Chapter 5: Transcending Pain 

Stop, Accept, and Renew is a practice designed to transcend debilitating emotional pain.

Stop

I don’t know why, but most of us can’t resist touching our wounds.

When faced with emotional trauma, we play negative thoughts repeatedly in our heads. Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle refers to this as the “pain body.” It’s an apt description.

The Stop practice has two steps:

First, we must recognize when the “pain body” is activated. That’s harder than it sounds because we’re upset, which is not a conducive time for self-reflection.  

Once we acknowledge a disturbing thought, we must hit the “stop button.” Upsetting thoughts are like a Spotify playlist filled with songs we hate yet continue to listen to. The stop button on the app silences the song. That’s what we have to do with our troubling thoughts. But there’s an additional challenge. Disturbing thoughts tend to re-start spontaneously. 

Recognizing the difference between ignoring a thought and hitting the “stop button” is essential. Trying to ignore a disturbing thought doesn’t work. Remember what Yoda said in Star Wars? “Do or do not. There is no try!”

Depending on the severity of our problems, we may have to hit the stop button dozens of times throughout the day. Disturbing thoughts are like glowing embers on a living room carpet. They must be extinguished immediately, or damage will escalate.

This takes considerable practice. 

Continue practicing Stop until you feel you have acquired some mastery before proceeding to the next step.

Accept

To move into acceptance, we must first silence the internal narrative that tells us how things should be or how we wish things were!  Most of us are entirely unprepared for acceptance. From the earliest age, we work to change who we are. Life is spent acquiring knowledge, developing skills, and pursuing self-improvement. The gap between what we are and what we want to be propels us forward. The stasis of acceptance is foreign to our being.

This leaves us unprepared for the things we can’t control, like illness, loss, and death. Acceptance requires us to exchange the way we want things to be for the way things are. It is a wholehearted acknowledgment that “it is what it is.”  

Here lies the most challenging part. Complete acceptance is absent of regret.  

Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius explained it this way:

“Accept the things to which fate binds you,… do so with all your heart.”

Acceptance unburdens the soul, giving us the strength to move forward. 

Acceptance demands that we be present to what is directly in front of us. This is not bitter acquiescence but rather a full-hearted willingness to meet the day with an open heart and clear mind and then do what needs to be done without fear, regret, or anxiety. 

The voice in our head hates acceptance, which is why we must pair it with Stop. 

Stop and Accept are always a two-step dance. First, we hit the “Stop button,” silencing the voice in our heads. We then full-heartedly Accept that the situation is what it is without regret. This two-step dance must be repeated over and over and over again. I’ve lost count of my repetitions. During exceptionally trying times, the two-step dance takes the form of a mantra. Ultimately, it becomes a habitual part of life.

Silencing the internal voice of Self and fully accepting what is in front of us is the way of the peaceful warrior.

Renew

Once we have hit the “Stop button” and fully Accepted our fate, we are ready to Renew. Renewal can only occur in the present moment. Looking backward increases our pain, while looking forward creates despondency over losing what we once had. 

When Stop and Accept are skillfully executed, we are left with the clarity and spaciousness to Renew our lives and do what needs to be done. Recently, on the way to the hospital to visit Dan, I had to once again Stop the devastating thoughts in my head and fully Accept our situation before I could Renew and redirect my awareness to the beauty of the sun-dappled west hills of Portland, Oregon as I crossed over the high bridge and dropped into the city. 

Moving forward upon a foundation of acceptance absent of regret creates joy.

I’ve been practicing Stop, Accept, and Renew for five years; it has changed my life!

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Installments of The Secret Within can be found here.  

Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically. 

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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization supporting mindfulness training in high schools.