The Secret Within is a book I’m writing about the art of finding happiness and peace amidst personal difficulties.
This is the 9th installment. Previous installments can be found here.
Holiday Note:
Are you looking for gift ideas for a special friend or family member? Why not get them a copy of my first book? It was written in short chapters that provide a positive message; most can be read in under two minutes. Proceeds from sales support mental health in young people. See details at the bottom of this post.
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9: The Walk of Life
Responding to difficult situations requires the same intention and discipline as controlling circumstances. I learned this the hard way.
I am ambitious by nature. As a preteen, I was interested in marksmanship, and at age nine, I wanted my very own 22-cal rifle. That was a significant reach for a youngster, but Dad sat down with me, and we worked through the necessary steps to achieve my goal. He said we could address gun safety training while I earned money for the purchase. For that, I planned to start a lawn mowing business. After practicing on our lawn under Dad’s supervision and demonstrating I could safely operate the mower, Dad approved my plan. From there, I developed a sales pitch to drum up business in our neighborhood. The 1960s were a different era. Can you imagine hiring a nine-year-old kid who comes to your door to mow your lawn?
The plan succeeded! I got my rifle and, in the process, learned valuable life skills that would be beneficial throughout my teenage years and into early adulthood. Then, our son was born.
We didn’t plan on having a severely disabled child. I didn’t know what to do. The birth of our son was my first experience of a life-changing event that was out of my control. What do we do when life throws us a curveball?
Up until the birth of our son, I believed I could accomplish anything I set my mind to, but that no longer seemed to apply. The lyrics of an Elton John song rang in my ears, “So, where to now, St. Peter? Tell me,… which road I’m on.”
Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search For Meaning, asserted:“Everything can be taken from [us] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, that even amidst devastating circumstances, we are always free to choose our response to life.” I hadn’t considered that before reading Frankl’s book. It was now time for me to choose my response to life.
I decided to be happy. That may sound simple, but it wasn’t!
I searched for a rubric to guide me through our family’s difficult circumstances. I never found the silver bullet. Ultimately, I surrendered to the reality that life isn’t about me. Instead, I am about life. That sounds like a simple twist of a phrase, but internalizing that truth changed my life. It showed me adaptation is just as important as control.
Adapting my response to situations beyond my control went beyond choosing my attitude. It was learning to address life like a movie Director who examines a scene rather than an actor playing a role. This makes a huge difference.
Sometimes, film studios release so-called Director’s cuts of previously released movies. These movies include scenes that did not survive the final edit, so they run longer. I watched one such film, and surprisingly, it wasn’t nearly as good as the original. The expanded Director’s cut was only eight minutes longer, but cutting those eight minutes made all the difference!
The same principle applies to life. As Directors, we learn to watch our moments to determine what we will give our attention to, including our thoughts.
The Dhammapada is an ancient collection of quotes ascribed to The Buddha. The essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) paraphrased a relevant passage:
“Watch your thoughts for they become words,
watch your words for they become actions,
watch your actions, for they become habits,
watch your habits for they become your character,
watch your character for it becomes your destiny.”
When I watch my reactions with the proper attention, I find that life shows me the way. That sounds strange, but it’s true. You can check this out on your own. The next time you feel emotionally triggered, pause and examine the scene. Witness the tightness in your chest or the surge of heat in your face. Remove yourself from your role as an actor and become the Director. Peel back the scene and examine every nuance. Then, see what happens.
I practice this regularly. It’s challenging because the emotional content of situations often impairs my ability to witness the scene objectively. Over time, I found that when playing the role of Director, I experienced life differently. Triggering events were defused, and an ingrained wisdom guided me to respond better. This doesn’t imply finding a solution. Instead, it’s about choosing a better response to life’s difficulties.
I adapted this approach from a 31-day regime outlined by Sayadaw U Tejaniya in Relax and Be Aware. The most challenging part of the practice was not looking for a solution but simply increasing my awareness. Awareness ultimately illuminated the path.
The world often confronts us in disturbing ways. However, we are always free to choose what we give our attention to. When circumstances are upside down and beyond my control, I find it best to yield my ego-centric perspective, step back, and objectively witness what is happening. From there, the embedded wisdom of awareness often leads me to a healthier response.
This is The Secret Within.
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Installments of The Secret Within can be found here.
Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically.
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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization supporting mindfulness training in high schools.
Towards A Life Well-Lived 