The Painter

Imagine, if you will, that a valuable box of paints is bestowed upon you; paints that have special properties, rendering them capable of producing a masterwork.

-They are colorfast; every hue will outlive you.

-They easily mix together or stand alone as you choose.

-The paints express even the lightest brush strokes.

“But I’m not an artist,” you might say. “What use are such paints to me?” 

But what if I told you that you are destined to produce a masterpiece that will be remembered by everyone you’ll ever know? 

That painting, of course, is your life. Brushstrokes are added every day. Strangely, you will never see your masterpiece, for it is only visible to others. 

Think of it this way. When a group of friends gets together, everyone sees each other’s paintings, but no one sees their own. We know our intentions, but we can’t see the impact of our actions from another person’s perspective; others see our actions, but don’t know our intentions. This mismatch frequently spoils relationships. 

Have you ever wondered what your painting looks like?

I was fortunate to be shown a glimpse of mine many years ago. My personality bends toward assertiveness. This quickly caught the attention of my superiors at work and helped to propel my career. The dark side, however, was a blindness to how my behaviors impacted others. 

As I advanced through the organization, my boss saw that this shortsightedness would be career-limiting. So he sent me to charm school, hoping it would help me polish off my rough edges. The consultancy he chose was called ChangeMasters. Their mission is to help leaders see themselves as others do. 

They had their work cut out with me!

The training lasted for several months. One day, during a tutoring session, Carol, one of the ChangeMaster founders, asked me if I would like a glass of water. I said, “Sure!”  Carol returned with a large glass of ice water. When I reached out to accept it, she flung its entire contents onto the floor. 

I was stunned.

“That,” she said, “is how others feel when you get up in their face.”

I was proud of my quick, logical wit and fearless about taking people on, including Division Presidents. The spilled glass of ice water gave me a first glimpse of the picture my actions were painting. 

Few of us have the opportunity to see ourselves as others do. My ChangeMasters training included professionally conducted confidential interviews with colleagues, friends, and family members to gain insight into how I was perceived. Feedback was summarized to protect the confidentiality of individual responses, then returned to me. I vividly remember being shocked by the negative comments.

That training took place thirty years ago, but I’ve never forgotten it. 

Each day, we apply brushstrokes to our masterpiece. Our actions (positive and negative) will be remembered long after we are gone. People don’t see our intentions, so in a very real sense, they don’t count. “I didn’t mean it that way,” is a hollow disclaimer once the damage is done.

Did charm school have a lasting impact on my behaviour? 

I hope so! But it’s difficult to catch oneself in the midst of a harsh brushstroke. I’m not the greatest at that, but I have gotten better at recognizing potential mistakes and modifying my behaviour.

What about authenticity? 

In the early parts of my training, I attempted to wave the authenticity flag as a defense. I wasn’t sure I could modify my behaviour and still be true to myself. In time, however, I came to understand that the training wasn’t about becoming someone different; rather, it focused on helping me develop the social maturity to recognize the potential impact of my actions and make behavioral decisions accordingly.

Everyone can benefit from that!

At the company I worked for, job performance reviews required supervisors to collect feedback from people in roles above, below, and lateral to the recipient. The form had three questions:

1. What should this person stop doing?

2. What should this person start doing?

3. What should this person keep doing?

The strange thing about this feedback was its utter consistency across sources, suggesting that the picture we unknowingly paint is pretty clear to others. Equally strange was the fact that this feedback usually came as a surprise to recipients. We don’t see our own painting!

What is a person to do?

Three actions are helpful to keep in mind:

The first thing is to recognize that we are often blind to the impact of our actions. That suggests we should work at expanding our awareness beyond Self, and pay closer attention to subtle interpersonal cues. Sometimes, the only clue we get comes from another person’s eyes. 

Second, it’s not a bad idea to occasionally ask a respected friend or associate how they interpret our behaviors. This takes bravery and humility.  Everyone pretty much sees the same picture, so if we inquire humbly and refrain from defending ourselves when honest feedback is given, we usually gain new understanding. 

Finally, we can follow the wise counsel offered by writer George Saunders, which I gleaned from a podcast conversation he had with Ezra Klein: 

 In the podcast, George suggested that we should “Be kind whenever possible.”

And then, after pausing for just the right amount of time, he continued, “It is always possible.”

Every day, we add new brushstrokes to our painting. It’s never too late to change those brushstrokes. 

Everyone paints a masterpiece, and yet we can make it even better by softening a sharp edge or adding color where needed. 

It’s never too late to adjust brushstrokes on a painting that takes a lifetime to complete.

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Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically. 

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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization that supports mindfulness training in high schools. 

Stay tuned for my new book, The Secret Within, which I expect to be available in March.