The Secret Within: Chapter 3, The Miracle of We

The Secret Within is a book I’m writing about the art of finding happiness and peace amidst personal difficulties. 

This is the third installment. Previous installments can be found here.

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3. The Miracle of We

The essence of life is relationships. A palpable energy is felt in relationships that American philosopher Ken Wilber calls “the miracle of we,” the best description of a positive relationship I’ve seen!

People who are depressed often claim their lives have lost meaning, which is another way of expressing a loss of relationships. This is an unfortunate deception; everything in the natural world is unified. Wherever we look, we find immense webs of connectivity. Yet most of us tend to at least partially wall ourselves off.

Why is our interbeing so hard to embrace?

The primary answer is the egocentric Self. As we age, opinions and preferences solidify. Differences become more noticeable; we become more judgmental, viewing ourselves as distinct and separate from the rest of the world.

Do you know what my four-year-old Granddaughter said to her similarly aged cousins when she met them for the first time? “Do you want to play with me?” If I approached a stranger similarly, they would quickly excuse themselves and perhaps report me to the police!

Political divisiveness is a prime example of how we close ourselves to new relationships. What proportion of your close friends hold divergent political views? In a recent survey of adults under 30, nearly half said they wouldn’t date anyone aligned with the opposing political party. I wasn’t that discriminating in my youth.

In the absence of nourishment, our bodies wither and die. Relationships nourish our souls. 

Building new relationships isn’t easy; it requires intentional effort for several reasons. First, we’re busy. Second, we are set in our ways. Third, we don’t like opening ourselves up. These tendencies isolate us. How much time do you spend actively cultivating new friendships? 

I have a friend who is the gold standard for relationship development. He lived in a foreign country for years but never failed to call me when he passed through Minneapolis. If in town for more than a few hours, he would organize a dinner at a local restaurant for a large group of friends. He is always searching for new activities to meet people. Unsurprisingly, he has a perennially positive attitude. 

New relationships require us to open up, which can be difficult. Most of us are guarded. I, for one,  am guilty of this. On business travel, I usually wore earbuds on airplanes to avoid unwanted conversations with extroverts sitting beside me. Occasionally, I let my guard down, often with positive outcomes. 

Once, on a plane back to Minneapolis, I was reading a sports car magazine. The passenger seated next to me commented, and we started a conversation.  It turned out we both had an affinity for the same brand. As the conversation progressed, I learned he raced cars. Feeling we had developed a rapport, I asked what he did for a living. Racing cars is not a cheap endeavor. He told me he was a spine surgeon at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. Our son suffers from a curvature of the spine, and I asked if he would take a look at him. He said he would be glad to.

When I called the Mayo Clinic to make an appointment, I was informed I would first need a referral. However, the barrier was removed when I explained that the Doctor and I were friends.  

Relationships enrich our lives and shift attention away from Self. It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own lives and concerns. Shifting our focus away from Self is the surest way to enhance emotional well-being. For some people, this comes naturally; for the rest of us, it requires intentional effort.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life staying in shape. There were trips to the weight room in college, pounding the pavement during my running years, cycling when my knees rebelled, and recently, going for daily walks. Over the years, there have been many days when I didn’t feel like exercising. A buddy gave me great advice on how to push through those days. He said, “Whenever you don’t feel like going for a run, just tie your shoelaces.  “Once your running shoes are on,” he said,  “what else is there to do but go for a run?” I leaned on that advice countless times. It worked!

The equivalent of tying one’s shoes concerning relationships is suspending judgment. Judgment is an over-developed faculty. When meeting someone for the first time, most of us size them up in under thirty seconds. I’m embarrassed to admit how many hiring decisions I made in the first thirty seconds of an interview. Worse yet, I was proud of the acuity of my quick judgments. 

In retrospect, I was sizing up candidates to see if they were like me. After all, that’s our gold standard, right? Rapid judgments may be a survival mechanism, but if we wait to find someone just like us, we won’t have many friends!

In addition to suspending judgment, expanding curiosity also helps form new relationships. According to Maria Popova, “True curiosity is a form of love.”

Sometimes, we meet someone and rapidly discover common interests. Years ago, I met a guy at a party and discovered he played guitar. So do I. We became life-long friends. What if his interest had been bird watching? I’ve nothing against birds, but I doubt that would’ve sparked a new friendship. It helps to be curious about others, especially when interests don’t immediately align.

Shifting one’s focus from Self to others increases our resilience and emotional well-being. Friends are the best support one can have when facing hard times. 

The power of we enhances the beauty of life. Building and nurturing relationships demonstrates this!

But first, we must tie our shoes!

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Installments of The Secret Within can be found here.  

Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically. 

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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization supporting mindfulness training in high schools.