The Secret Within: Chapter 4, The Anatomy of Pain

The Secret Within is a book I’m writing about the art of finding happiness and peace amidst personal difficulties. 

This is the fourth installment. Previous installments can be found here.

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4. The Anatomy of Pain

Pain associated with major loss goes through three stages: First, it utterly destroys us. In time, many people develop resilience, learning to shoulder pain’s burden. Finally, some transcend pain, finding it a doorway to deeper meaning and joy. 

I’ve experienced all three stages…repeatedly!

In the early stages, pain is utterly about ourselves. Something unexpected and terrible happens; the world collapses, and we turn inward. 

At first, well-meaning friends offer condolences and support. But they have their own lives to live, and when the buzz of the initial out-pouring subsides, we are alone. 

Significant loss paints a line across our lives. Before our loss, we took life’s gifts for granted. Afterwards, things are never the same. Rather than appreciating what we still have, we focus on what we once had, creating a dark emotional pit from which there appears to be no escape. 

This first stage of grief continues for an indeterminate length of time. I once asked a friend who had lost her husband the previous year how she was doing. She replied that her busy workdays were tolerable, but the weekends were hell. It’s hard to refrain from repeatedly touching our wounds.

In stage two, we learn to shoulder our burden. We put on a cheerful face and most friends intuit that we’ve gotten over our loss. Time does soften the blow, but life has been irreparably changed. Getting things back to good is a persistent struggle. 

Some losses occur suddenly, like a car accident, a heart attack, a cancer diagnosis, or the death of a loved one. Others are perennial. Continued trauma resulting from our son’s deteriorating medical condition remains fresh, impacting his life and ours. 

In the summer of his fourteenth year, Daniel’s condition worsened, and he required three risky brain surgeries in a single week. Returning to work from a devastating hospital visit, a colleague who was unaware of my situation casually asked, “How’s it going, Tim?” I was in shock. Not knowing how to respond, I cheerfully replied, “Never Better!” From that moment forward, I decided to make “Never Better” a mantra I would aspire to. Over the years, it became my identity. I still cheerfully use it and am always surprised by people’s responses. 

This is pain management stage two. Life goes on. 

The first stage of traumatic loss is shock. In the second stage, we develop resilience. The third stage is entirely different. We rely on ourselves in stages one and two to right the ship of life. But under the weight of significant loss and unrelenting pain, Self may be insufficient, bringing us to a three-way intersection where we must choose a way forward. 

One route is denial, which represents a refusal to work through our pain. Sadly, we usually transmit pain we cannot transcend. You may be familiar with people who have chosen this route.

Another route is Self-medication, leading to alcohol and drug abuse.

The third route, the only healthy route, leads to a destination beyond Self. 

I’m personally familiar with all three routes. The road beyond Self is best, but it is challenging to navigate. There is nothing we cling to tighter than ourselves. 

There are many strategies to get beyond Self. Some look to a higher power. Others may engage with service organizations. For years, I served on the Board of Directors for The Courage Center, an organization focused on helping disabled individuals achieve their highest potential. Nearly everyone serving on that Board had a personal story involving a loved one.

The most helpful approach came to me when I realized that Self, rather than a fixed entity, is merely a context or perspective through which I experience the world. Another way to transcend Self is to change that context. This requires what Zen practitioners sometimes refer to as a “beginner’s mind.” I developed a practice around this approach called Stop, Accept, and Renew, which will be covered in the next chapter. 

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Installments of The Secret Within can be found here.  

Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically. 

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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization supporting mindfulness training in high schools.