The Gift of Sadness

Sadness walks hand in hand with loss, springing from something we’ve had, but no longer have, including our dreams.

We don’t ever get over irreparable loss; instead, it becomes part of who we are. 

Have you ever tried to scrape peanut butter off a slice of bread? Letting go of sadness is similar.

Everyone experiences devastating sadness at some point in their lives.  Our first son was born with a severe physical disability.  His health has been in continuous decline. He can no longer eat, drink, or attend to his own needs and requires round-the-clock skilled nursing care. Sadness accompanying his losses weighs heavily on my soul.

It’s hard to stop thinking about our losses, which is how they become part of who we are. 

Is there a solution?

Most religions advocate surrender, which, in the midst of loss, is the last thing we want to hear. However, such advice imparts wisdom. Thought and Self are inseparable, and as such, those doctrines point toward the surrender of thought. It feels beyond our ability to let go of troubling thoughts when our hearts are broken, but it is indeed possible. 

I came to understand the value of surrender through mindfulness practices. Thoughts are like a recalcitrant child that insists on leading us where they want to go. Troubling thoughts intensify self-preoccupation, which makes our pain worse. Transcendence is a path that leads to peace. But it is not a familiar path, and it usually takes a traumatic event in life to put us on it. Pain associated with loss, therefore, strangely contains a hidden gift.  Boston University Professor Lou Ureneck explains it this way:

“Learning to listen to the response of our inner selves to disappointment and loss is essential. Wisdom doesn’t come from age. It comes from loss.”

The gift of transcendence begins with acceptance. I can’t fix our son’s losses, but I can practice acceptance. I don’t have to like a situation to accept that it is what it is. It’s easy to evaluate progress in this area because full acceptance doesn’t occur unless one refrains from wishing things were different, which, of course, is the hardest part!

Troubling thoughts are a cancer that must be stopped. In previous posts and in my forthcoming book, The Secret Within, I cover pairing acceptance with recognizing and stopping troubling thoughts as they arise.  Once I stop a painful thought, I shift my attention to acceptance. The practice is straightforward; first STOP the thought, then fully ACCEPT the situation!

When practiced routinely, such actions are transformative. I practice it daily.

Things of significant value generally carry a high price tag. Such is the case with the hidden gift that lies within emotional pain. Sadness has taught me the value of acceptance and surrender, which lead to transcendence and peace. 

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Former blog posts can be found here by subject category and here chronologically. 

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My first book, Towards A Life Well-Lived, can be purchased by clicking this link. Proceeds from sales are donated to Peace In Schools, a Portland, Oregon-based organization that supports mindfulness training in high schools. 

Stay tuned for my new book, The Secret Within, which I expect to make available in time for the Holidays.