Perhaps you’re familiar with shadow work — a practice with roots in Carl Jung’s psychology that explores the unconscious, “darker” parts of one’s personality to increase self-awareness and improve relationships.
We are usually blind to our shadow side, even though others see it clearly. Everyone has a shadow, but it’s rarely confronted because its traits are deeply embedded and personal. Our shadow side is the flat side of our behavior that people talk about when we’re not around. Addressing someone’s shadow side is risky business, but it can be a valuable gift.
When I was a business manager, I made a point of addressing the shadow sides of the people who reported to me; it helped them grow. It was uncomfortable in the moment, but afterward, many told me it was the most honest and valuable feedback they had ever received.
One day, a colleague, knowing I would be frank, asked me for candid feedback on his shadow side. We were peers, and our relationship was solid; I told him the truth. “It’s simple,” I said. “You’re a dick!” He was shocked! “What do you mean? Give me some examples,” he demanded. So I did, about a half-dozen as I recall.
To be clear, this is not a recommended approach, but we had a “locker-room” kind of relationship, so I figured making a memorable impact was worth the risk. Afterward, he acknowledged the courage it took to share this feedback and thanked me. (At my request, he later returned the favor.)
Recently, I received some feedback on my shadow side. It wasn’t new news. It was frustrating to hear because I have been working to improve these traits. My first inclination was to defend myself, but I’ve given enough of this kind of feedback to know better. So I listened carefully and thanked the person for their candor.
Why Is the Shadow Side So Hard To Change?
The primary reason is that shadow sides are deeply entrenched; they’re part of who we are and therefore not easily changed.
The shadow side reminds me of poisonous snakes in my native Missouri. When walking across a field through tall grass or in the woods, one had to watch where they placed their foot. Not doing so could invite disaster. Poisonous snakes are part of the environment in Missouri; there’s no way to get rid of them, so you learn to be watchful.
The same thing is true with our shadow side. We will likely never completely rid ourselves of it, but feedback raises awareness, enabling us to minimize damage that would otherwise go unnoticed.
I’ve read that what most disturbs us about others is often linked to our shadow side. I never understood that until recently. After deep reflection on my own shadow, a veil slowly lifted. The linkage was there!
Perhaps the lesson is that one who lives in a glass house shouldn’t throw stones.
Do you know your shadow side? It’s not fun to confront, but it’s worth investigating with a trusted source. If you do that, resist the temptation to lodge a defense; attributes you’re likely unaware of are as clear as the nose on your face to others.
When it comes to our shadow side, ignorance isn’t bliss. Knowing your shadow side is one of the harder forms of self-awareness — and one of the more valuable.
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A Note Before I Go:
Sales of my new book, The Secret Within, have exceeded my expectations — more than half of my blog readers have bought a copy. The challenge now is spreading awareness, and Amazon reviews are the single biggest lever for that (the review count drives Amazon’s algorithm).
If you’ve read the book, please post an honest review here. Three or four sentences are plenty. It doesn’t need to be a five-star rating either. I’m not seeking fame or fortune. I wrote the book to help others. Twenty-five total reviews would propel the book to a whole new category, so please post a review today!
Thank you.
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